khentutz… R-E-A-D-I-N-G

September 26, 2007

Foolish Tests

Filed under: Desperately seeking answers,Rumbles and Grunts — khentutz @ 10:44 am

I met someone online several months ago, we exchanged messages through a networking site and eventually we knew each other’s digits. The first few text messages were still part of the so-so getting to know and testing the waters stage. We were comfortable with each other as our conversation through SMS got deeper and meaningful. But then we never met, we didn’t bother to plan a meet up and all.

So after months of not-so-frequent kamustahan, he was so eager to keep me awake last night. Blah blah blah yada yada yada. He said something gross and i told him to stop because i find it disturbing. Then all of a sudden he went ballistic and flooded me with messages and interrupted my game mode of playing bomberman on my phone. I was shocked with his accusations that i was judgemental, that i was not worthy of his time, that i wasted the opportunity to be with him and so on and so forth.

It’s funny to think that when you asked a person to stop because what he does is offensive, you are immediately judged as someone who stereotypes and discriminates when all you did was show your real reaction. After they throw you harsh words, they will say that they were just testing you, trying to see your limits, b*llsh*t. How harsh can people be? And based from that test or ambush attack your totality as a person is determined. Whew. Now who is being judgemental? Is it me or him? Just because he didn’t get his expected reaction from me, i was accused and penalized for not complying to his standards.

I didn’t bother to defend my side at all, i know myself better than him. After not replying to his personal attacks, he uncovered a secret, that he was not the person i used to know, he used a friend’s name account blah blah blah. Whatever. After making me appear i am a mean person he suddenly reveals his real identity, that’s foolish. And guess what, he never apologized for making me believe he is someone else. He kept on stressing how judgemental i was with my request to stop.

A similar thing happened to me before, with my past lover. He tested my patience until i brokedown and called it quits. He asked for forgiveness, but hey, why would you need to test me to my limit intentionally? If these persons were not able to find me trust worthy to be kept, why then would they stay and linger in my presence. For me these tests are foolish, people use this as scape goats to hide their own insecurity and find comfort in making others feel disgust for themselves.

Some events may serve as tests to friendships and relationships but do intentional tests really matter? I know we would want to be sure with the person we are building social relationships with, but do tests prove the integrity of a person?

DM PS:
Everyday brightens up for the whatever we share. We learn more about each other and find ways to compromise and settle differences before the day ends. I am really surprised on how he manages my tantrums and tampuhin mode. He can put a big smile on my face and make me feel as if we never argued. Ciao for now, I’ll be seeing him for dinner muna. 🙂

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September 25, 2007

I’m 23. :)

Filed under: Cheesy, Mushy Me,Dream Dates — khentutz @ 10:23 am

I had a blast on the last minutes of being 22 and on the first minutes of turning 23. DM has his own style to surprise me and give me on hell on a remarkable celebration. His efforts are recognized and very much appreciated. Whew. On the day of my celebration, too much alcohol overflowed with joys, laughter and still alcohol on our simple abode. alak My dear thanks to those who came and shared my 23rd natal day celebration. To those who greeted and had their valid excuses not to be present, thanks for still remembering and for considering to drop by in light of the bad weather that has poured that day, strong rains hopefully would translate to greater blessings on my another year of life.

Some pictures are posted at my multiply account http://khentutz.multiply.com for those who are interested to see some snap shots as i can’t remember any of those at all save for the welcome celebration on the 22nd.

My joys even pushed its limit today as i ate lunch with DM’s sister and bonded for more than an hour. Whew. I need not fish any information, she told things i wanted to know, i felt her comfort and her trust in me. Even trivial details about DM and their family as a whole were tackled. I felt that i made an instant friend with DM’s older sister. And DM doesn’t seem to mind, at this time. At least as time passes by what i and DM share gets better and deeper. I’ll rest my pen for now, i’ll be seeing DM in a minute. 🙂

September 21, 2007

2-22

I have my last two days to enjoy my age of 22, on sunday i’ll be officialy 23. OMG. I am not getting any younger. However, i am happy that i can push through marriage without parental consent. haha. Ewan ko ba at naisip ko yun. Anyway, I’ll be off from blogging later until monday next week kaya ngaun ko na ipangangalandakan na ako’y tatanda na.

I got frustrated when my supposed to be 100th post on this blog is a little too far from my natal day. I tried to catch up but it is still short 😦 anyhow, just like any other birthdays, i am thankful to God for another year of experiences, blessings and improvements.
There had been my ups and downs since last year. Some memorable events that made important markings on my life. I met new people, bonded with them and gained friends from them. There are also those special people whom i opted to share my life, efforts and time and got wasted in the end. Haha, bitter pa din. Just kidding, i’m better now and looks forward to be a better me in the years to come.

As part of the culture i inherited from my family, every year i celebrate my birthday on its day only. Even if it falls on a weekday, the celebration is done on that day. Although some instances i had celebrated my birthday minutes before it starts or minutes after the day. Nevertheless, my pakain falls on sunday, celebrating, and sharing it to my family, friends and sometimes with the special someone i have.

Birthdays aren’t complete for wishes, so here’s my visual wishlist according to priority. If you think you could grant one, i will be certainly delighted.

1. Good health
2. Stable and Strong Career
3. Masteral Degree
4. Confirmation (Bahala na kayo mag isip ano ito)

5. 2007 Toyota Vios – grayish blue ok lang ang 1.3J pero msa preferred and 1.3E
6. Canon SD750 or pede na rin Sony cybershot W55
7. Ipod Video 30 gig color black
8. PSP
9. Roundtrip Tickets to Boracay plus hotel accomadtion 3D/2N
10. Baby Face latest album of compiled hits
11. T-Shirts from greenhills na printed ng funny lines
12. Undies na seamless from Mossimo
13. GCs – Powerbooks
14. Benetton Cold / Paradiso
15. Thompson Airsoft Gun
16. 3000 BB Pellets
17. Dante’s cove dvd collection
18. UST 2011 jacket
19. Haviana’s size 9 Italia
20. 3 reams West Ice

marami pa inde ko lang maiblog. pm me kung gusto nyo ako regaluhan. 🙂

Advance Happy 23rd birthday to me!!! 🙂

September 20, 2007

Graduate Studies

Filed under: Desperately seeking answers — khentutz @ 9:53 am

I got frustrated inquiring and browsing through the academic programs of top business schools regarding their graduate studies program. It’s either i lacked the necessary job experience or there is no suitable business course that i would like to pursue. MBA is good and practical, but it is not what i want for my masteral degree. No offense to those taking MBA, but it’s not my kind of thing. I prefer business finance, statistics, applied economics and sorts. I don’t know but it’s not my top choice for a graduate degree.

I spent several hours this day and yesterday finding the almost perfect school and course to study. My plan of taking up further studies started when i took my economics major classes on my junior year in college. The added force to my hunger to learn more is that my company is willin gto reimburse tuition fees and books just by maintaining the needed grade. I could study now, learn more, and pay for it later. With my desire and drive to finally start the agony of studying again, the universities have not opened a good oppotunity for me.

My top choice was La Salle, having their off-campus classes in RCBC Makati, however financial engineering should be took up in the main campus in taft. The only class offered in RCBC is the MBA course, that even though i would be glad to enroll with the MBA class, i lacked another year of work experience. I then opted for Ateneo, but the classes are from 12noon until 8 pm on weekdays and whole day on saturdays. I can’t afford that kind of study schedule given that my work demands my time, effort and focus on the months of March to June. I then remembered UP School of Economics, i thought of the distance between my office / home from the campus. It would be really tiring for me. I then checked my alma mater, UST, i didn’t like the degrees offered. I tried to seek good courses with UP open university, but their site seemed to down. I browsed UA&P, AIM and others but to no avail i wasn’t able to find the best choice for me.

If you would take up graduate studies, where would you want to study? Tips from you guys will be highly appreciated. 🙂

P.S.
For DM happenings, we had 3x a day thing meal last monday Sept17, small chit chats last tuesday Sept18, meryenda, dinner and bonding last night Sept19 and dinner this evening Sept20. Looking forward to days and time spent with DM. 🙂

September 19, 2007

Credit Cards

Filed under: Desperately seeking answers — khentutz @ 9:48 am

I received my first credit card last february and it has helped me to circulate my monthly bread in a convenient way. Thanks to HSBC then and until now. Haha. I purchase some while payday is a little to far and pay the debt after receiving reinforcements from my ATM payroll. Sometimes, i use it more than what i need, but the worst is at times im spending more than what i am earning. And mind you, my beloved company pays a little higher than what is expected of the market, so for common workers, my bread can be seen as big bread, so i have a big bread and i am eating more than a big bread, ohh… it’s really terrible. Luckily, aftersometime, i got the powers to balance spending using card and cash. The mix and match was indeed helpful. Few days from now I will be my natal day and the urge to spend and spend heightens. I managed to still be within my budget until my birthday.

But then comes this day when two other cards came almost at the same time at my workstation. I first received my BPI edge mastercard credit card and after a little while i received my metrobank visa. The temptation to buy instantly came over me. Relax.. relax.

Having three credit cards does not mean i am wealthy enough, it just gave me an increased purchasing power, though not the real purchasing power since the credit limit of my cards will extend my ability to purchase but not expanding my source of paying the debts created by credited cards.

It doesn’t change my desire to shop, few more days before my birthday, do you have any ideas which item to buy that is worth remembering for one’s birthday???

September 17, 2007

Loving More

Filed under: Dream Dates,In a Relationship — khentutz @ 11:12 am

We are not bounded by labels. We may not be defined as a couple or partners as we have not determined it ourselves. But i know what we share and do for each other is somewhat similar to the things a couple share and do. Sometimes even more to what couples do. But hey, i’m not pertaining to sexual activities. Just wanted to be clear. If it will happen, it will eventually happen and if it happens it would really be a consummation of love and an act of self giving. But enough of that.

All I am saying is that, being labelled according to the dictates of society does not guarantee happiness nor peace of mind. We met months ago, got really close a few months ago and we are still getting to know each other better and share lives one day at a time. We had our own misunderstandings yet we still find ways to compromise, talk about it and resolve it. At the end of the day, we are both smiling, acting as if we never fought over someting at all. We learn from each other as days pass by. It could be quite safe to assume that we have built a foundation of attachment, communication and company with each other. I was able to know him, and he says direct to the point things he didn’t want and stuff, so if he wants me out of his life, he could have told me, but he didn’t. He has his option to live his life without me in the picture yet, he opted to allow me be part of his life, his family’s life and his friend’s life. It was more than enough for what is desired by couples.

Last week, we had a very few ocassions of vis-a-vis contact, however the communication lines were kept open and finally bonded physically by Sept 14 for just a little while. From that few moment together, came out honesty, questions, answers and suddenly things were a lot understandable. Sept 15 we almost spent the whole day together in greenhills. I can sense his comfort with my presence. We kidded, we laugh, talk serious and parted ways with great smiles on our faces. The week ended and it was such a good timing that we were together again this morning and afternoon. Whew. When it rains it pours. If i am just an ordinary someone to him, would he make such efforts to keep me when i tried to get away?

Each day, DM gives me more reasons to love him. His words of futuristic events gives me the strength to hold on and just love. His actions is more than enough to hold on. Maybe i don’t need the label of having a relationship with him, because i already have it, experiencing it and loving it.

Unlike with the past lovers i shared my life with, i don’t have a detailed plan of our future but as each day passes i know that the future i am planning about could be more than of what i expected. I’m looking towards our future but not exaggerated that could lead me to over analyze and endanger what we have. And the more we suppress our emotions for each other the more it shows naturally and we need not say it anymore as actions speak louder than words.

I am super in love with DM and would fall more for him. But don’t worry, i love myself better, so when the time comes, he would always be a memory i would love to cherish all my life. 🙂

September 14, 2007

Start of Something New

Both sides have been vocal. Confrontation on issues one by one. The truth unfolds in a sublime way. Though some were still left in the dark, honesty and sincerity matters. Change should be accepted with gratitude. To things and events unknown, a simple smile could handle the pressure. I am just thankful, we’ve been vocal. I hope it brings more opportunities and things to share and look forward to. Even my love for DM has changed, it is deeper and has grown mature and all. Given the chance, i would love to grow old with him and just stay as long as we both want each other’s company. DM, cheers to you. You proved you more than one can think of you.:)

As another part of change, our company’s growth, expansion and rebranding will come to its existence to the whole world by monday. New challenges, new options, new work, just like with DM i am confident that i’ll have a bright future with my rebranded company. Well, DM can’t get enough of my blog e, I think he has the most number of posts ever written for someone i shared my life with.

September 13, 2007

Blog for USD

Filed under: Desperately seeking answers — khentutz @ 7:49 am

At long last, my first entry was approved and will receive my first 20 USD at the end of the month. I have been a dormant member of payperpost since February 2007 as i await a great opportunity for me. After my first post was approved, I took no second doubts about writing more about payperpost.

So far, i haven’t made any friends on the site, however, i was amazed on how many have clicked my payperpost icon and instantly make them my referrals. I would definitely love to meet those bloggers here in the blogosphere soon.

traffic generation

Getting paid for blogging is real and fun. I have no regrets that i pushed through with my membership and decide to be active.

Where can you find such a great deal that you earn while blogging and doing what you want? It is only here at payperpost, why not click the icon and try it for yourself, who knows you might earn more than what i earned from blogging.

Everyday I am looking forward for new opportunities I could write about and earn more. Try it out now. Right now I am seeing more and more opportunities each day, more opportunity, more posts, more earnings.

September 12, 2007

Battery Empty

Filed under: Rumbles and Grunts — khentutz @ 11:39 am

Literally my battery went empty and ceased to launch my sony ericsson phone. Grrr. I thought of the memories and stored information on my phone, Grrr. It can’t be lost nor be damaged. It is the only proof of the best things that happened to me over the past year since i started using it. Darn. I’ll buy a new battery tomorrow after i receive my month’s first half of pay. Good thing i have a back up phone, however, it does not have those memory of events that help me cherish the best i ever had.

Some things happen when you least expect it, it is like change that drastically comes along your way without notice. This time, i think it suggests that i get a new phone, take care of it more than usual and sorts. I just really hope, it is only the battery that crippled my phone not bug or whatsoever that could delete files.

I miss DM. I love DM. I love the way he send me messages, i love the way he replies, i love DD so on and so forth. The reasons add up everyday, every minute, every second. I love DM. i hate my battery.

September 11, 2007

Straight Talk

Filed under: Desperately seeking answers,Rumbles and Grunts — khentutz @ 9:35 am

This weekend seemed to be long and unusal from all my past weekends, first, i was bombarded by Exes who was brought back to life in an instant and seemed to check on me all at the same time through SMS. DM and i spent some few hours together just strolling the mall and hanging out for some time in my room last Sept. 8 🙂 , i enjoyed his company and had fun 🙂 . Lastly, I had a minor ER surgery last sunday that cripppled me to report to work yesterday. But a  straight guy friend made it all different as he asked how does a gay man become a gay man?

 I replied honestly to all his queries and here’s a gist of our long conversation. For one side, homosexuality is something psychological. The need of a manly acceptance, love and whatsoever can be brought about by the past and unfulfilled needs during childhood that created a much intense longing of the male specie. These past experiences were mostly disturbing moments that left a mark on a young boy’s life without further intentions of potentially making the child a queer in the future. At the age of discernment, these children begin to explore their sexuality, their physical body and sorts, they practice social skills, make friends and alliances. They may still act straight, think straight and look straight but little do they sense they feel a need for a man. At puberty, when genes are most active, more changes happen, the young adult gets confused and then later on decides on what he really want in life. Gays differ with their preferences, whether be it physically, emotionally, statiscally, and all you can think of, but looking into the patterns of the person they like, fell in love with or got attracted to, somehow, we can see a homogenous set of traits that determines one’s attraction factor. The age of coming out differs, as the supressed need for a manly love depends on the acceptance of the person and acknowledgement of this need. A person may opt to feel this need by simply having more guy friends, and later on feel secure not only of themselves as a heterosexual but filling the long lost need of a manly figure. However, there are those who have tried to fill the manly need yet gets trapped on it, explore the homosexual lifestyle and be forever stuck on it. That no matter how hard you pretend to be straight again it just shows you are not. Having establish some ways on how a person becomes gay, let me share some common discussions with being homosexual.

Q: If a straight guy  gets close to a  homosexual, does it mean he is gay? or If a guys gets involved with a relationship with a gay does it make him gay

A: Not necessarily.  Many would disagree with me, but getting close / involved with a gay guy does not make any straight guy gay. Why? IN our world social relationships exists and it is very natural for people to find comfort in others regardless of sexuality. Even if they had a romantic relationship, it does not automatically equate a straight guy to be gay. Love transcends sexuality, there were no laws made to make love exclusive for male-female romantic relationships. It is baloney when people would claim that homosexuals cannot be loved just for being gay. This mad and crazy world of ours, is just full of labels that most people believe in. If persons would just open their minds, you can’t find any wrong in loving and being in a romatic relationship with a third sex. For those who would insist that straight guys who go for gay guys are gay as well, feel free to leave your comment. Whilst it is true that they got attracted to their same sex and is eligible to be called gay, let us remember that attraction is not just physical. There are several things and moments a gay guy could offer to straight men and because of our innate interdependency we start to fall, be cofortable, accept and love this person who gives us love. For me, what makes a straight guy gay, is when he becomes a hypocrite and proclaim to the world he hates and curses homosexuals but enjoys their service and company in his everday life through the clean and good deeds they get from gays. The determining factor of being gay would be oneself, you know it deep inside your heart if you really are straight or not.  They are entitled not to let others know due to some cruelty and non-acceptance from the society. But think of it, does feeling something for someone not straight makes you unstraight immediately? You know the answer. This is just what i believe.

 Feel free to hit me back for your own point of views.

P.S.
My sincere prayers for the victims of 9/11 attack. It was just last night when i watched a documentary about it that i learned and understood fully the implications of terrorism.

P.S.S.
I’m in love even more with DM. 🙂

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