khentutz… R-E-A-D-I-N-G

August 31, 2007

It’s All Coming Back

Filed under: Cheesy, Mushy Me — khentutz @ 8:40 am

It’s All Coming Back, It’s all coming back to me now, there moments of gold and there were flashes of light.
There were things i’d never do again but then they’d always seem right. There were nights of endless pleasure… Are you familiar with these lyrics?

A flashback of the good times, laughter and companionship struck me within the speed of light. Past events soaring by and appear vivid enough to recall the emotions gone in ages. The problems dealt before did not echo as much as the good times. I saw myself smiling as I looked at this person I once shared my life with.

Just this afternoon after roaming around our other-floor offices, I was shocked as I leaped out the elevator. I saw RY, one of my ex-lovers on the onset of our proxy season. His name just came out of my lips and I just smiled immediately. He gave me the smile back, shook hands and was speechless for a minute. Subconsciously, my arm wrapped its entirety over him. Then I was back to my senses. What am I doing?

Just the same with long lost friends, we talked about our present lives, and all the catching up. Good thing he didn’t asked me out for coffee or something. DM and I had an agreement to meet this afternoon before the weekend starts. Wheew. After 10 minutes or so of catching up, he finally bid good bye. More time spent could endanger the both of us as his actions gives me a feeling of reconciliation which I cannot offer as I am in love with someone now.

This incident gave me an answer on why certain relationships don’t end up with a closure. It is because a meet up with a past lover has the capability to bring back the emotions of love and friendship before and if they would really want to end a relationship, meeting up could jeopardize it. And now, I appreciate Celine Dion’s It’s All Coming Back single.

I’ve got to rest my pen for now, DM has sent me a text message to meet him somewhere in Valero and have our merienda and talk before the month ends. See you around bloggies. 🙂

PS ulit.
Just came back after our meal @ Dencio’s Bar & Grill in Paseo Center, whew, i was surprised as i realized by the fact that indeed DM and I are sharing something special and he is super comfortable with me around. How can i fall? when you just GIVE me reasons.. haha naiba bigla yung lyrics!

have a great weekend! 🙂

August 30, 2007

Age = Maturity ???

Filed under: Desperately seeking answers,Rumbles and Grunts — khentutz @ 8:52 am

Most often than not, the youth would clamor that the elderly does not know or understand how they feel. The next generation thinks that they already know the quirks of life and would need lessened guidance from the elderly. When speaking in terms of technology and the latest gadgets, those living their lives (40s above) could possibly be less superior and knowledgeable compared to those in their 20s or their prime. However, in the aspect of life, relationship, and experiences an older person is more likely to be upright and reasonable compared to the noob adult who claims to be know-it-all.

Does maturity comes with age?

For most parts, yes and to some exclusions no. Yes because not getting any younger would mean learning from mistakes and as a person gets old his values are tested, ideals bit by reality, and dreams unfulfilled. A young adult may experience all of these at a young age, but compare it to someone who is twice your age who could have possibly encountered it gazillion times. It only means that their perspective and approach to certain issues of life have been tested through time. However, age does not necessarily equate to maturity. I guess maturity is determined by the frequency of hardships and troubles in one’s life and being successful to resolve these problems. Being trapped in misery would not bestow maturity as the person stopped to seek ways to be better. For those who underwent troubles and were able to overcome it, they have gained insights and lessons that allowed them to understand life one step further. And the process goes on, more diverse situations and hardships arise creating possible opportunities to gain lessons, from which a person gets more perspective and understanding of life. So, (in general terms) as a person grows old and was able to solve problems they mature; hence the older the person is, the more mature he can be.

However, there are cases when there are old persons but some younger persons are more mature than them. This is the exclusion of maturity to age; those who have super comfortable lives and nil to little problems faced would be not as mature as they have not experienced a lot or hardships just yet. There are also some persons who have been through a lot but didn’t mature, they are the ones who relied on others to get their problem solved and have not learned from the experience or those persons who got past through their problems by instance and not by effort.

Whatever it is, maturity is essential for a harmonious relationship with others.

Yesterday as a younger friend of mine exchanged text messages with me, confiding his dark secret in school and its negative consequences; I saw an older version of me in terms of maturity, instead of laughing and enjoying with him his dark secret, pieces of advice came out of my head. I understand exactly how he feels but it still boils down to his dark deed that caused him his problem. I emphatized but the KUYA in me came out naturally. Then it sent shivers to my entirety. OMG, matanda na ako. I sound like my mom na.

That’s when I thought that maturity mostly goes with age.

P.S.
I had my meryenda yesterday with DM in Henlin, and just the same it was short but worthwhile. I dunno but our eyes ceased to meet each other for a long time while chatting, with a successful 2-second look straight to his eyes I saw something I never thought I’d see from his eyes. I smile and continued to smile as a write this post. 🙂

August 29, 2007

Next In Line

Most wonders take their own course of time to unfold its glory. Looking back on the not so distant past, I happened to see how it all progressed and established on its own a foundation of a good social relationship.

Oftentimes people get tired of waiting in line. Who else would not want to have their turn immediately? Those who get frustrated and hurry things will have more chances of forgetting something or overlooking the joys of life. As i stand in the next line, i managed to observe and ponder on things i have not thought of before because i was in the pack of frustrated chasers and wanting something all in an instant. I saw that things and events happen for a reason, a genuine and lasting interdependency does not evolve overnight. And as i turn my head to the people with me in the line, i saw their disgust, impatience and not to mention killer tiger looks and wrinkles on their forehead. I was able to smile. I was entertained by how people react to things. And i had even more reasons to smile, he is bringing the best in me as i grow as a mature person. In as much as i would like to expound on that, i will not.

I looked back on how it all started with DM, simple yet amazing and as we build on our friendship and whatever we share we both grow and nurture our thingy.

Mahal na mahal ko na ata siya.

August 28, 2007

School Fever

Filed under: Desperately seeking answers,Rumbles and Grunts — khentutz @ 9:10 am

For no valid and serious reason, i usually watch college basketball games on tv or at the venue if not volleyball. My interest in volleyball is explainable since it was one of the sports i loved and played longest in my life. For basketball, i played several games with my cousins back when i was small or at the time i wasnt able to discern what i want in life. The basketball playing continued during my high school days as required in my PE class and i got a high score. haha. kidding aside, the school fever that run through my veins started as my parents both watched the televised games and cheered for the school they came from or their choice. In the long run, i subconsciously inherited the passion to watch school rivalry in sports and other areas as well. The fact that i studied in one the oldest universities in Asia added to my desire to be a proud Thomasian.

Winning the event is something expected by a alumnus of a university, however, losing would probably have a little to no effect on the mood of the person. My school fever lived the technological era as it went even through blogging, searching the internet and even having alerts on the mobile phone. And as i surfed my favorite sport site awhile ago, i got pissed over a post of a UE sportsfan. His entry was acceptable in a way that he celebrates his school’s winning glory this season, however, telling biased review on former champions was irritating.

I adhere that UE is a powerhouse this season but not the best yet, afterall, it aint over until its over. On the other hand, making other’s glory appear to be unworthy is something else. Every season has its own story to tell, comparing then and now would equate to different scenarios and capabilities. Former achievements of other schools were well fought and deserved. Mind you, it’s not the basketball that tells how great their students are. Celebrate your victories but don’t bad mouth other teams, as a filipino cliche goes, pana-panahon lang yan. If this is your time, so be it. Counting one’s blessing does not mean you had the right to step down on others.

Whew. School fever / mania could get someone into trouble, why does the rivalry among universities happen in the first place? share your thoughts.:)

August 23, 2007

Questions

Filed under: In a Relationship — khentutz @ 9:55 am

Lately, i have been questioning a lot about how certain events came up, why some actions were done, why something is happening, what is the real picture and the list of queries never ends. This questioning i did is good for the brains and heart at first, but took it’s toll when i had so much infomation that my mind became bedazzled and my heart weary. As i question an instance i gain information, this information helps me analyze the situation, however, as more inputs were given my analytical mind seemed to overworked, assumed other possible things and these happenings drove me mad and crazy.

Still confused, i took a breather and felt more better. And i remembered one thing that made me feel best, sometimes faith is all i need. I need not to know the answers to what is happening. I just need to believe that it will work out my way. Not all behavior and actions can be explained, there are moments when we just have to believe and have faith. Keeping faith in other people will do me more good rather than giving meaning to the things they do.

Now i am smiling, and smiles even more as i think of the person very dear to me. Basta mahal ko sya. Yun na yun.

In line with questioning, i would like to share this link that i used as my breather, i wanted to think, so i tested it through this test and believe me, it’s not easy, it took me several times to be able to unlock the hidden mystery. And if you will do this test message me what you saw in the unlockable tab after the test if you get a good enough score. Thanks to Ben, my friend and teammate who shared this link;)

And thanks to DM, who never fails to make me smile and complement my complete day.

See What You’re Made OfVisit The Official Site

August 22, 2007

Half Meant

Yesterday, just in between secret hours, together with my friends and officemates we watched “Love Story” which narrated the love conflict of a mistress (Maricel Soriano) with troubled a gorgeous guy (Aga Muhlach) and young career oriented lady (Angelica Panganiban).

The scenes were realistic enough that it would definitely touch one’s heart. What made the movie more than just a movie, was the ideals and values displayed by the querida even though she was hurting. In the different parts of the movie, some actions of all the characters reflected the same way i react on certain similar scenarios. I learned that i have the potential to be a mistress and a potential to the never-say die partner, contradicting it may seem it would depend on my partners status. The half meant humor of the characters enabled the film to emphasize striking lines and points of realization.

Some of those lines that left a mark on me were (i didnt get the exact lines but somehow it sounded that way):

At pagkatapos ano? Iiwan mo din ako tulad ng pang iiwan mo sa asawa mo? (maricel’s stand on letting go the relationship with Aga’s eagerness to keep it)

Kailangan kong iwan mo sya. Dahil hinde ka niya kayang iwan, dahil kung kaya nya matagal na nyang ginawa. Hinde mo sya kailangan, kailangan sya ng anak ko
(angelica’s plea to maricel on their confrontation)

and other stuff, my memory once again failed me to blog about it. There are scenes as well that crushed my tear dikes. The moment Marcel cried alone in the restroom after leaving the room of illed angelica with Aga. maricel’s sincere apology to angelica for taking aga away, yadda yadda yadda. What i liked most in the film was the answer the question with a question. This game can be on your side as long as you don’t lose focus.

So as the film ended, and on my way home, i remembered what my close guy friend advised me on my status. Leave him without a clue and trace for a week and see how he reacts. I replied to him that i am not that ready to face the truth with a couple of wath ifs? in my mind.

I tried it, though not for a week but for a time where we’re perfectly okay. The following day i lived my life the way it existed before, a life without him in my system. As the day progressed and me getting worried he might not notice it and just go on life without me in his system, he made a grand entrance in my life on his own initiative. His reasons for entering my life may not be as sweet as direct “i love yous” but his actions speak better than his words. Since then on, half meant things happened. True feelings delivered through jokes, appreciation hidden in smiles and sorts. I may have not dared brave efforts as of the moment but im pretty sure things are clearer and more pronounced between the two of us. As what others told me, just behappy with what i have and everything will fall into its place on its proper time.

A time when it’s not half meant, but meant fully.

August 21, 2007

Commercial

Filed under: Desperately seeking answers,Rumbles and Grunts — khentutz @ 7:02 am

The long weekend this past week was spent by being a couch potato with a constant messaging with him as we were both busy enjoying ourselves and fulfilling family responsibilities. Not forgetting the UAAP game last sunday in Cuneta astrodome. Dumami na naman ang crush list ko, dahil sa pagmamahal ko sa USTe e mahal ko na din si Dylan Ababou, Gervy Cruz, Anthony Espiritu at Francis Allera. Though mayabang i applaud the looks of Marcy Arellano and Martinez of UE red warriors and haha, kahit papaano when i passed by going home sa dug out ng lasalle ballers i had an eye to eye contact to my eye-candy rico maeirhoffer along with other DLSU guys. haha. Wala lang moment lang ng pag landi. Go UST, Go UST, Go UST, Go go go pa rin ang drama ko.

This post will create a break from the conceptualized relationship with him as i will post my comment on a tv commercial that bugged me a lot over the long weekend.

And for the sake of the updates on the mixed -up thing we share, the situation was more vivid than usual. Major issues answered and continuity is not far from happening.

So back to the commercial, i got bothered by the commercial of Incremin. A vitamin supplement to aid growing chilren to boost mind development. I hope i got the lines right, so please bear with me:

Nanay: Bakit kaya ganito grades nya? math -75, etc… (lumingon sa anak na bata na mukha naman mabaet, tahimik at masunurin)

Nanay: Nag aaral naman sya sa bahay? 😦
(lingon ulit sa anak na nakatingin sa kanila not knowing ung usapan na namamagitan sa kanyang ina at titser)

Titser: Nakikinig naman sya sa klase?
(nilingon ulit ung bata na nakangiti naman, titser at nanay mukhang balisa)

~ plug ng product and its benefits ~

Titser: kailangan nya ng tulong (bata at the background, nakangiti)

~fin~

I felt bad as this advertisement created a scenario that school children have low grades because of lack of iron that even if the child exerted efforts he remained to have palakol grades. What bothered me most is that the commercial made it appear that the child is helpless and he is being judged at his back by his own mother. Any child would be hurt if they are the ones featured in the commercial.

I despise the ad agencies of commercial where they would make it appear that there is a demand for their product even if there’s none. I know thay they are trying to capture and start a market but they could have created a demand through other ways not at the expense of the society. The commercial could have been better if the child who lacks iron is someone who plays a lot in the background,, does nothing at home and sorts. What if kung totoo naman na may ganung kaso, nagaaral naman pero mababa pa rin yung grades? sana hinde ganun kaharsh yung presentation sa commercial. I pity the child who took the role, mukha talaga sya kawawa at kailangan ng tulong. The ad was successful to make appear that their product is needed.

It does not mean that because a person studies at home and at school he will get a high remark on his report card. There are lot of things to look at and attribute one’s learning style, which was ruled by the commercial and make it appear that they are the only solution. and that pissed me off.

Hay, balik na lang ako sa pagblog about him.

August 16, 2007

Truth by Accidence

It’s been weeks since i sought for signs and clues to answer the queries of my heart and mind. It was only yesterday that things became a little bit brighter but still dull enough to see the larger picture.

I sucked all the negativity in the cosmos just for me to shed tears and get over the feeling as the skies poured its magnificence yesterday. But to no avail not even a single teardrop fell, my heart’s activity is beyond its normal beating and each pump of blood comes a feeling of hurt and pity. Every stick i smoke together with the cool breeze eases the pain as my mind tells me the truth i sought long enough.

Due to the inclement weather, we were advised to go home as long as we finish all our tasks and deliverables in the office. While having lunch, i received a message from him telling me that together with his comrade they will be watching Bourne Ultimatum, full of flirtation and excitement i expressed my willingness to go. After all, i have finished my responsibilities at the office long before lunch came. The moment i got back the office i just took my stuff and headed to landmark to meet them.

Upon seeing them, the truth unfolded its grace discreetly. We ate @ red ribbon, a place i have craved for everytime we go out for meryenda or dinner. The scoring began, 1 point in favor of me being recognized, respected, valued and treasured by him. It’s a 1-0 lead but not for long. Over lunch, several topics transpired, it came to a point when his friend said,

“Kung sino sino nga kasama nyan lage e, nagugulat na lang kami kung sino sino yung mga yun…”

and he defensively replied,

“Hinde naman porket kasama mo e, syota mo na…”

Boom. Ouch. Other things discussed did not resonate anymore. 1-1. This was the affirmation i need simula pa noon. It was I that was his constant companion and all and this statement finally cleared my query. The song of toni gonzaga catch me i’m falling for you, vanished and got mixed up just like a jumping pirated cd.

Hinde pala sya yung pupulot nung fallen star sa dulo ng mtv version ko ng catch me i’m fallen for you, mukhang natapakan nya kaya hinde napulot…

I had a mixed emotion, happy that finally i got the answer for my the thing that bothered me a lot lately but sad because it was not the one i hoped for all along. But it is ok, i can handle the truth. However, the day didn’t end well. More scores for negativity. After lunch, a girl friend of him and his comrade came and met up with us, fine, no score. She doesnt want to watch movie, 1-2, she wants to go to green belt, 1-3. She made him carry her things 1-4, embraced, and sided all her curves to him 1,1 Million. Ouch. Ouch Ouch. No score for his attempts to ask how i feel yesterday, no points for his efforts to open a conversation and get my attention. No points for driving me near home, because he usually drives me home. Sabagay it was my pride that made me decide to walk the few blocks from the last stop. What hurt me was that he didn’t show any reaction for me walking home because the girl beside him doesn’t want to go home yet.

There was silence. No text messages. I contemplated on the recent happenings, i have realized that it was all my fault that i fell in love with him, it wouldn’t be fair if i would be aloof and gone in an instant… After some time, he sent a text message. I replied blankly and as casual as possible. Then another night of silence.

When i woke up, i fought my will to do our morning greeting routine and all. Whehw. It was tough. Non until the moment i was about to step out of my abode to the office. He sent a plain yet half-guilty note text message. Then another story begins.

1-1 million score yesterday became 1 million versus nil today. He made serious efforts and explained his side. Something hard for guys to admit. He asked me out, he a chance to prove his worth. SO that’s it.

Ending, the truth is magulo talaga sitwayson namin. At least i am seeing a trace of light that somehow i mean something to him, at least with the things he showed me today. Want to know the details on what he did for me? I love my private life 🙂

August 14, 2007

Break It To Me Gently

Filed under: Cheesy, Mushy Me,Desperately seeking answers — khentutz @ 10:02 am

As days pass and more time spent with you around I’m getting more and more confused. Break it to me gently how you see me in your life. Or maybe there is nothing to be confused of, it’s just me assuming things. Whatever it is, please break it to me gently. I know i can handle the truth but i don’t have the guts to ask it myself.

August 10, 2007

MU

While eating breakfast this morning I decided to plug on the television and see the news. It was not exactly the news i was hoping to see, it was chismis news. Showbiz headlines of tabloids are being affirmed or negated by the Unang Hirit hosts. So i kept on eating and not minding what’s on tv. But then when the news about Yasmien Kurdi and JC de Vera were told, all my attention was shifted drastically to the tube. The news says that Yasmien Kurdi finally admitted that something is going on between her and JC. It was MU, mutual understanding. Lhar Santiago added up that they always send text messages asking the whereabouts of each other.

I was stunned for several minutes. People always play the safe side of life. Yesterday, i discussed how people deny their self from expressing what they really feel and hindering the great possibilities that may arise. And now a new different scenario, both parties know that somehow the other person is important and special but decides to slow down and play the mutual understanding game.

MU as others define it as mag-Un (instead of mag-on; it is treated the same way secret lovers make their partners known to be their COUSIN, which is really Cousintahan)or a better definition of Mutual Understanding. I wonder what are the things they had mutual understanding? Is it the report mode of constantly exchanging text messages, including meals and hang outs? Is it they will be constant companions to places they would want to go?

Fun as it may seem, mutual understanding is a very complex situation to be involved in. You consider each other special but without demands. Which is not the case, at the back of their minds, hearts and subconscious they wanted the things they do be reciprocated at the same level or better. Then they would pretend they are fine if their partner feel the sudden cold approach of the other. HHmmmm. Pasweet? OO. If they think both are special why then opt a situation where you are on a loosing end? If two friends (safe choice of words, pati ako naging play safe)consider and treat each other special then why not push through with a relationship? They may clamor that they are taking things slow and would want to know each other better. But hey, all relationships is a story of love-hate and knowing, accepting and respecting each other. If in the end it didn’t work out, it’s life. Sabagay, kapag MU nga naman e you could walk away with less hurt if it didn’t work out. But still further thoughts of MU would entail detriments than benefits. In a formal romantic relationship, you would be given the right to demand, be jealous, and be yourself. In a MU set up, you cannot demand because you are not his partner, you can’t be jealous because he doesn’t owe you an explanation because you are not his lover, and you can’t be yourself because your true feelings are suppressed. Wheew.

In our contemporary times, more and more engage themselves with MUs. The weird thing is that they know the risks and probable failure but still holds on to it.

Is commitment really a scary thing?

Some people might have enough reasons for not wanting to be in a commitment. I understand their plea, but when will they overcome the fear of commitment if they don’t face it first hand? Is playing safe the best way to live life nowadays?

I salute those couples who came out of their safety nets and dared to conquer the world in the name of love. Although some relationships are not meant to work, what if the right one comes along but because of this fear and playing safe you miss it?

To those who are afraid, you are not alone. May we find courage to face reality and move on. Staying in any quasi state would not do us good. So, dates anyone?

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