khentutz… R-E-A-D-I-N-G

July 31, 2007

Come and Go

Filed under: Cheesy, Mushy Me — khentutz @ 10:58 am

It’s one change i seem to have a love-hate relationship with. It’s when the moment is about to come and go. A truth that will always happen, an event that hurts and leave wounds and a phenomenon you certainly can’t do anything when it’s time to go. However, it has two sides, come and go of people we dont want in our lives and the come and go of dear people.

When it’s just people come and go, it leans more on the benefits than detriments but when friends and could-be-good-or-better-than-friends-but-has-to-go come and go, it sucks. Big time. Acquaintances fall under the people come and go, a simple background on a person would not make someone a friend. One night meet ups or any kind of meet ups does not belong to friends as well.

The definition of a friend maybe relative, but generally, a friend is someone dear to a person that stays as a social contact and comrade in times, of joy, distress, and even in nothingness. Well it’s not what this blog is about. It’s about a situation when an online friend (i used the adjective online to describe his personality in the blogosphere and gadgets of communication)go without me knowing he was about to go. I can’t say he was my friend because we only met once, but somehow through technology and advanced transmission of messages he became dear to me. Alas we both have memory gap. But i believe his gap is larger than mine. I still somehow remember the relevant things in life. I felt sad when i realized, it was not a memory gap that tranpires now between us, but the phenomenon of come and go. He was leaving sometime ago and now he is gone. I would even doubt he have noticed he had gone already. So much more for him to remember that sometime in the past he met me.

Persons come into our lives in different ways for different reasons but they also go away in a more diversified means and strange reasons. I am mourning the loss of this special and dear online friend who left without notice. I don’t weep just for my past partners but i weep everytime someone of great value to me goes away. He may not know until now that he lost me. Maybe because i was not of value to him. Whatever it is, i hate it when they go.

He came into my life when i least expected to meet someone in the same way he left in a moment when i thought he was still there. Time gave me the thought he is already gone, if it was a memory gap he would have known i am not around anymore after some few days. But he forgot all about me. In as much as i wanted to reach him now i opted not to. It was his prerogative to leave unnoticed. I respect that. If he happened to drop by here, which i would doubt, i bet he will not know he’s the one i am talking about.

As you come and go, i’ll raise a cheers for you.

P.S. I’m not talking about the person i have fallen in love recently. He is still much felt in my life. And btw, dont ask who i am talking about…

July 30, 2007

Losing My Touch

You can’t have it all. The moment i admitted i have fallen in-love with DM (ngaun ko lang naisip, dream man? haha) I suddenly lose my powers of flirtation. Have you ever experienced that drastic change in yourself when you have accepted the fact you are loving someone already? From one moment you are Mr. All Smile and accomodating then after being in-love you became the oblivious and ignorant, uncapable of catching the opportunity to get laid with horny, yummy, and attractive fishes around you. Is it really that way? Or it happened because I’m making myself believe that it’s the right thing to do? I wondered if that change is innate. What do you think?

When i haven’t admitted freely and religiosuly my love for DM, my gay-radar and eagle-sight never failed me to have few moments of flirtation and admiration. I flash a smile back at PLUs smiling, whenever, wherever. I follow through a stranger’s stare until we become confident to approach and chat (at least in cases i felt attracted to that person even in just one aspect). In timid and play safe scenarios with a PLU i do my best to allow the other to make a bigger first move than me. I let the situation to flourish and develop, but when i faced the truth, these senses were lost in an instant. Since last friday, i missed a lot of PLUs that dared to make a move. I’ve denied every attempt to smile and gaze back. The doors to adventure and beyond was locked. Whenever i felt a PLU makes a move on me, i turn away, avoid them and live my quiet life alone or stay with my friends. I then lost my appetite to make a look with cutie, hottie yuppies in makati.

Am i this way whenever i am in love? can you please tell me if you are like this on the first few moments of falling in love with a new person in your life? Is this really normal, for me to lose touch of the gay skills i have developed and mastered in my 22 years of existence?

However, impossible it may seem, i was happy losing my touch to flirtatiously connect with others. It makes life easier and safer. You know what i mean. The truth of admitting i fell in love with him, magically helped my zit to heal fast, my LSS to be gone. I think the truth sets us free…

Just now, i realized that i haven’t really lose my touch, i opted not to use it because of a strong feeling that ionically bonded with principles and knowledge. I can still do the flirtations i want but i choose not to. It’s not for him, but for me. I dunno how he feels towards me as of this moment or how he sees me in his life, what matters for me now is that he takes time for me in his busy day, nothing more expected of him. this falling in love with him, is a personal issue, it’s my problem not his. Though i am not seeing it as a problem but an opportunity to know myself better. Now i’m losing my touch to blog. I am no longer coherent. Hahaha. DM looked really attractive today with our merienda, before, rainy days makes me feel lonely, but this rainy day, i spent it with DM, not forever but for a time i know belonged to us… cheesy, mushy me.

July 27, 2007

LSS: Last Song Syndrome

Filed under: Cheesy, Mushy Me — khentutz @ 9:20 am

One song gave me the longest streak for LSS, Catch me I’m fallin by Toni Gonzaga. This song played over my head while working, travelling or talking to someone. It suddenly became an automatic background music reminding me of something.

It started last sunday, when i was with my high school friends as we ate ice cream on a cold sunday night. When Toni Gonzaga’s catch me i’m falling rolled in Myx music video channel, it never departed me, ever. As far as i know, a normal LSS would just linger for about a day when you can’t help yourself but sing the song you last heard. I never thought my LSS would stay until now. Maybe, just like what the forwarded quote says, “If something recurrently appears in your mind, there is a reason it’s there”

The song reminded me of something i deprived myself of feeling and allowing it to flourish on its own. I was getting close to someone and more than that but i didn’t admit it to myself. More and more people around me who knows what is happening tells me it’s more than friendship and a simple interest of getting to know me. I didn’t believe them, I was successful until this song struck me.

I was afraid to admit that though some good things are too good to be true, it really happens, I should enjoy every moment of it and hold on to it as long as it lasts. Nothing’s permanent and things can change in an instant but why deprive myself of things that may not last physically but has the capability to leave a mark that lasts a lifetime.

How can something so wrong, feel so right all along? Catch me, I’m falling for you. My subconscious tells me I’m falling for this person i began to spend days with his presence. My heart tells me the same but my mind tries to disillusion my heart and bring back the past full of loneliness and sadness. I may have been successful to conceal my feelings for him until i had this zit inside my nose. Yes, it’s inside. And it got swollen that i almost had a deformed nose figure, that i went half-day to work just to get my nose and zit examined by a doctor. There is this belief, that zits progress due to stress, infatuation, or loving someone secretly or having a secret affair. Of course, don’t contend the scientific explanation of pimples. It’s a different thing. The zit i had, was one of the worst as it got my nose shiny and red outside and painful inside. The zit probably intended to progress inside my nostrils because i am denying my feelings for a person i have loved unconsciously as well.

This zit and LSS gave me the confirmation that i am feeling something more than special with him. Yes, world, i am in love again. But i know my limits with him. He is different from others in a way, i can’t apply my previous experiences with my exes. Though i am just a friend for him, (but my dear friends contend because of his actions which does not mean any for me)it is more than enough. He has his reasons for opting to keep in touch and befriend me and just the same i am not interested with his reasons as it might make my over-analytical mind turned on and complpicate things further. The LSS and zit just gave me a vivid truth i held back. I was darn afraid to admit, i love him. Afraid to love again and afraid to get hurt. But what the hell?? I’ve been through that several times.

Now that i admitted i love him, i just hope this song ends my LSS and this zit to give me back the comfortable breathing life i had. I love you ****** ****** *******. DM for short.:)Cheer on my friends as i finally admitted i love him na. Don’t tease me. Ok? ūüôā

July 24, 2007

Too Good To Be True

Filed under: Cheesy, Mushy Me,Desperately seeking answers — khentutz @ 9:47 am

Others claim to see is to believe. But feeling it beyond¬† a single sense is better.¬† Sometimes no matter how a person tries to deny and ignore the facts, the truth presents itself in a more unexpected way. When this happens, the person is stunned or astonished. Sometimes the best events in life are too good to be true. You then start to wonder and convince yourself that it was not happening.¬† After some moments of your lapse of judgement you can tell that it happened for real. Why do people tend to dream of great things and when it happened right in their midst they can’t believe it? Are men born to be ironic?

Or may be not? Certain things are really good to be true, everthing has its price. Afterall, it never ends on the moment you were stunned it happened. Knowing the reasons on how it transpired may be gruelsome and maybe lies. You may be happy when your far-to-be-true dream happened, but who knows something of greater value or a negativity at par is waiting to sustain or to develop the unbelievable dream come true.

 The question arises where should we draw the line when something is fairly good and believable? How can we be sure that the good that happens now, is well deserved and authentic? Or should we embrace the too-good-to-be-true moment and believe it  as something real? But as a hedonistic being, I would prefer believing it happened and will do my best to sustain it. However, I should also find out, how this too good to be true endeavor evolved. By doing this, I am creating my saftey net in cases when all the good happened is a hoax. Through that, I have not deprived myself from enjoying the good things that are happening while not fully attaching myself to the thought it would stay forever.

But more often than not, PLUs (particularly me) would have a thinking that when things are getting better, fear engulfs them that it is too good to be true but in fact it is what they really deserve. All I thought that was far from being true is something attainable and feasible. It only reflects how low I see my self-worth for great things. On the other hand, not feeling the too-good-to-be-true confusion is something more serious and unhealthy. It is when we think of ourselves as the only special person and deserves more from what we have and would not appreciate things.

For my too-good-to-be-true set up, i am still crushing all signs of hope in my heart and erasing all malice in my mind, while continue believing and living that we are sharing a social relationship and friendship that i would need, want and like to last as long as it can. I may not know his intentions and his reasons for now but I will gather my strength soon enough to seek the truth. For now, thank you for the special moments of stories and activities. Every thought of it makes me smile. You know who you are. I know we will have a meaningful friendship. So please stay.

July 23, 2007

Patterns

Filed under: Cheesy, Mushy Me,Crush Course,Dream Dates — khentutz @ 8:53 am

The dreaded time bomb ticks once more. I am still unsure if i have learned to deactive it and have a better life.  Perfection does not exist. Road signs are blurred as of the moment. My heart racing against its own pulse. I am anxious. A look back yesterday will give me reasons to smile in the future, it is all i have. As I face uncertainty, the light of hope dims.  Darkness awaits me. For all that has transpired, i will be forever grateful.  I am still a fool. Silence.

July 16, 2007

Who’s a Bitch?

Over my despair to watch Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix, i agreed to meet up with an online acquaintance with hopes of watching a film i frustratedly want to watch. The evening went late and no confirmation still from E. I lost hope already, around 1030 pm E texted and wants me to meet him up at Starbucks P. Ocampo in Taft Avenue. Even though i resisted to go out, i kept my word of meeting him. We didn’t watched harry potter all we did was sip coffee inside the store. He didn’t fulfilled his promise that if we would meet we will settle on a place where i can sit and smoke as many sticks as i want. Strike 1. I opened the conversation by introducing my background and asking his background if he is comfortable with it. He discussed his calling as a curator of art films and other productions. We have a common online acquaitance and he became our topic. After the talk about our common acquaintance, silence came. I was unusually quiet, maybe brought about by the frustration of not seeing the movie. He can’t find any topic. We sat in silence for about 26 minutes. I was bored. Strike 2. E felt weary that i am bored he then noticed the activities of the students in the cafe. I blurted out my own remark and i was surprised when E said that he was disappointed and hates bitchy remarks. Grrr. All i said, was “i don’t care what they’re doing as long as they don’t bother me” He gave his hate speech on how people could be nice and be not bitchy. Strike 3. Now I am mad. I replied, “isn’t it you’re the one bitching around and not me as you tell i’m such a bitch”? He argued that being frank and bitch are different things and for him it’s the choice of words. he’s just frank and im a bitch. Grr..

I just kept quiet after that until he asked me if i wanted to go home. i hurriedly replied yes.

Over the weekend except for saturday night when i finally watched harry potter with my cousins but on my accounts, i pondered if i am really a bitch. So i sought four different words somehow same in way or another and their meaning so as to know if i am really a bitch. According to the online dictinary.com,

BITCH (slang) a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person
-what i said may not be pleasant to the ears but it has no malicious intent nor i am a selfish person. hence, i can’t be a bitch by definition.

FRANK (adjective) direct and unreserved in speech; straightforward; sincere; without inhibition or subterfuge; direct; undisguised
– my statement does not qualify for this as well, i was not sincere nor straightforward not one of the students heard what i said

TACTLESS (adjective) bluntly inconsiderate or indiscreet
– what i said was discreet enough not be heard by others, i wasn’t incosiderate of the situation

VULGAR (adjective)characterized by ignorance of or lack of good breeding or taste; indecent; obscene; lewd; lacking in distinction, aesthetic value, or charm; banal
– saying i dont care about others does not prove any of the definition of this word. i didn’t even mention obscene words.

Thus, i am not a bitch. It was just a pure remark and an exercise of freedom of speech. Though i am not saying i have never been a bitch or any of the aforementioned words, i tried living those words but at the moment with E, i was not bitching around. No more second dates or further moments with E. If a simple remark appeared to be bitching around what more else if he sees me full of emotions or fired up with disgust???

Along our short conversations, i felt he is not just conceited, he praises himself as a good person by telling others how bad they are. He may be right i may be a bitch with my delivery, but who cares if i am a bitch???

Curiosity Strikes

Filed under: Quiz Links — khentutz @ 4:15 am

After reading the recent post from http://justforthetrip.blogspot.com my curiosity made me try it out as well. Here is my rating:

<a href=”http://mingle2.com/blog-rating”><img style=”border: none;” src=”http://mingle2.com/img/bb/blog_rating/pg.jpg” alt=”Online Dating” /></a><p>Mingle<sup>2</sup> – <a href=”http://mingle2.com”>Online Dating</a></p>

¬†Just like what http://justforthetrip.blogspot.com said, it rates the blog for number of illicit word counts not on the content itself. No wonder the tripper has was disapponted with the rating system. He was tagged R for a count of private part in the context of his posts. How much rating should a clinical and scientific blog could get if the post is about reproduction and the organs that are responsible for mating? This is rating is baloney. Just for laughs and nothing more than that. As for me, the Parental Guidance somehow fits, but not because of content but because of having pissed twice in my posts and shit once in my entries.¬† If regulating bodies would want a thorough screening, then they should get along with the fast paced environment of technology. Counting malicious words is not enough. For parents, in as much as you can, don’t let them read our blogs, specially if they are confused on their sexuality or would want to adventure on their sexuality. We might give them ideas, and our community grows. Hahaha. I suppose this goes for parents who are homophobes. Well, it would be a great help for the problem of scarcity and population boom, same sex unions will foster lesser chances of increasing the birth rate thus leaving more resources to rationalize among a fewer number.

I missed the lucky 7-7-7 post and the feared friday the 13th post i guess it didn’t made an impact on me. i’ll post another entry later. Something i have pondered and drooled over the weekend.¬†

¬†And before i forget, my dear thanks to trip for the rating link. At least i am aware it was only pissed and shit that was read on my blog. hahaha. ūüôā

July 12, 2007

Easy Way or Hard Way

Filed under: Desperately seeking answers,Rumbles and Grunts — khentutz @ 8:32 am

In the past few days, most people around me started to spill out some disgust on their present love affairs. On how their partner took them for granted, how they felt they deserved more and sorts. As they continued to relay their stories, i had only one questions for them, “Who said loving is easy?” then there was silence. None of us uttered a single word. I, myself was strucked by the words that came out of me.

I had several mood swings yesterday because i hoped that everything would be well and according to my standards but in reality there is no perfect scenarios and situations, one must be adaptive and be a quick thinker to obtain optimum results. I had mood swings because i wanted things the easy way with less effort or no effort at all. this can’t be at all times.

I felt okay when i realized, men are born to be hedonistic. They do things for pleasure, if doing things the easy way gives them pleasure then why burden themselves with the hardship if a certain result could be achieved in a less strenuous way.

Is falling and keeping in love easy? I guess not. The love wouldn’t be strong if it has not been tested or pushed to its limits. One must endure and think of remedies to keep the commitment of love. Break ups and separation happens when one partner gets very weary and fails to keep up with the hardships. Most successful relationships i have heard of, passed through marvelous stories that proved what a true love is.

There maybe times when loving is easy but there are also times it will be a pain in the ass and heart. But it is a part of it, even in growing up and maturity. It can’t be always a short cut or giveway nor a labyrinth.

I cheered up the conversation with my friends by saying, buti nga kayo meron kayo special person in your life who is willing to do the risks as well just to make it work out. Isipin nyo na lang yung iba, kelan pa sila magmamature or learn about life?

July 11, 2007

Mood Swings

Grrr.. i hate it when i have my mood swings. How do i deal with my mood swings or how do i deal with other’s mood swings?

Am i starting the mid-life crisis way in advance? i hope not. I just don’t like what i am feeling now. I’m confused, out of my league and emotional. darn it.

hay. i hate this feeling as in. grrr. im off to fairview for now.

July 10, 2007

For A Change

Filed under: Quiz Links — khentutz @ 8:58 am

Natuwa lang ako dito…

Your Birth Date:

1 – Naglaro kmi ng taguan
2 – ginupitan ako ng buhok
3 – sinampal ako
4 – pinaliguan ako
5 – sinabunutan ako
6 – sinaktan ako
7 – nilapirot ang mukha ko
8 – pinakain ako ng sundot kulangot
9 – pinasayaw ako ng itaktak mo
10 – pinag-DOTA ako
11 – pinatumbling ako
12 – pinatuwad ako
13 – sinakal ako
14 – nilamon ako
15 – ginaya ko ang pose
16 – pinatula ako ng boom tarat tarat
17 – pinasayaw ako ng ispageti pababa
18 – pinakain ako ng ampalaya-flavored icecream kasama
19 – sinundot ang butas ng ilong ko
20 – inuntog ako
21 – hinabol ako ng itak
22 – binato ako ng tinapay
23 – sinigawan ako ng hindot
24 – ginulpi ako
25 – pinaghubad ako
26 – nilagyan ako ng make-up
27 – nilibre ako ng piso
28 – pinatay ako
29 – nirape ako
30 – binungi ako
31 – tinadtad ako ng armalite

Your middle initial:

A – ng nuno sa punso
B – ni GMA
C – ni Sadako
D – ng pulis patola
E – ng barberong pulpol
F – ni Yael yuzon
G – ni san goku
H – ng makapangyarihang chuva eklavuh
I – ni darna
J – ni richard guttierez
K – ni kuracha
L – ng lolo mong panot
M – ng asong payatot
N – ng pusang may hika
O – ni whitney tyson
P – ni batista
Q – ng arabo
R – ng amerikano
S – ng basurero
T – ng bading na kalabaw
U – ng machong bakla
V – ng nanay ko
W – ni William hung
X – ng crush mo
Y – ng mahiwagang baul
Z – ng diyos ng body odor

Choose your month of birth:

Jan – sa jollibee
Feb – sa quiapo
Mar – sa MRT
Apr – sa Computer shop
May – sa ilalim ng tulay
Jun – sa classroom
Jul – sa gitna ng kawalan
Aug – sa kama
Sep – sa ibabaw ng mainit na bubong
Oct – sa simenteryo
Nov – sa MAll of Asia
Dec – sa north pole

Color of your shirt:

BLUE – dahil naiinggit xa sa kilay ko
RED – dahil wala siyang magawa
WHITE – dahil mas mahaba ang buhok ko sa kanya
BLACK – dhl talented xa
YELLOW – PINK – dahil wla akong pera
VIOLET – dahil trip niya lng
ORANGE – dahil mahal n nia ako
BROWN – dahil sumabog ang putok ng katabi ko
GREEN – dahil napisa ang pigsa nya sa kilikili
NONE OF THE ABOVE – dahil nklimutan kong mag underwear

Ang akin ay, Sinigawan ako ng hindot na pulis patola sa ibabaw ng mainit na bubong dahil wala akong pera… paano ako napunta sa bubong at merong pulis patola dun? waaahh ang labo

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