khentutz… R-E-A-D-I-N-G

May 31, 2007

Breaking Free

Filed under: Desperately seeking answers,Rumbles and Grunts — khentutz @ 11:04 am

I am still pathetic but better than the past few weeks. Now, all i know is love myself more and do things that i have never done before. let me list some things new to me that i am doing and would try to do soon.

As a smoker and lazy person, it never came to my mind to spend time, effort, discipline and money on a gym. But i started last week. The first few days were such as pain. I almost failed to move my arms and shoulders. I find it hard to wear a shirt or just even a sando. I hardly slept teh first few night because on every attempt to rest my body onmy bed, the pain hurts. I was an evil villain with my friends who regularly goes to the gym. I even kid my PLU friends that they use the gym as a sex haven or a favorite hook up place. But now, i am one of them. Harhar! Though not the one looking for hook ups while in sauna or in the shower. I realized that days of just sitting down and only fingers and a little of my neck being stretched at work, i would wan tot improve my physcial boday condition, not to be a buff or whatever, but at least have an exercise that could help me have a healthy living. Though my doors aren’t closed for hook ups. Haha. But for now i don’t need hook ups.:)

I deleted all my PPLU online networking accounts, it’s not that i despise the users but usinig it as an easy way out for whatever purpose has not done me any good. Lately, i was tempted to revive those accounts but, whew.. with my desire to start anew and do things i haven’t tried to get different results, i opted not to revive those accounts. The only two networking sites i maintain is friendster, for my friends and i didn’t have any events with my friends in my friendster, and my multiply account for downloading purposes. and before i forget, chatting was deleted from my routine as well.

Before i usually indulge myself to find and meet a lot of people, but since MAF i decided to keep contact only with the dearest persons in my life. When someone offers to meet up and get to know, my screening and standards were stricter than before. If i sensed that they are just after a memorable one night encounter, i confront them in the most subtle and decent way of saying no thanks, but if the person is very persistent, then no reply would be the case.

Before, my spare time and relax time from work was spent on meeting and hanging out, now it is all spent, watching tv series on dvd all day. yeah, i’m not an avid fan of IPRs, and besides the tv series i bought were all international ones, so no filipino artist has been affected. I refreshed my viewing of QAF, repeated Heroes for the Nth time, replayed House favorite episodes, and viewed for the first time Nip/tuck… i had more on my list to buy soon.

Sometime July after the proxy season, i am pursued to take a weekend vacation all by myself. And other plans of vacations among my relative’s abode. If my vaction pushes through this would be the first time ill be on a sojourn all by myself, i havent decided yet where to spend it but if you have nice suggestions, blog on me, my partial list on the travel list, is Pagudpud, Palawan, Boracay, but the latter two would be my least priority since it would be rainy season by then and it would be a hell of a trip. I wanted vacation but not dying moments.

At this moment, im still pondering on things i have not done before. You will be posted. for now, i have to rest this blog, my tv calls on me to watch and relax ūüôā

I may have not moved on but I’m doing my best to enjoy myself and be optimistic. If MAF comes back, that’s the time I’ll decide if he is still good for me. For now, i’am breaking free…

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May 29, 2007

Parallel Universe

It’s over. I’m single. But my heart and mind are still trapped in the past with MAF. I find myself in another yet new parallel universe. The universe i’m living my life right now has been different from my past parallel universe. Before, a simple connection from the outside world sets me free from my parallel universe. But this time, I reached for those who tried to help me get out but i am still stunned to my pathetic phase. I dared to reach out, move on and do stuffs i did before to start anew. I still failed, my parallel universe was engulfed by some kind of force that hinders me to be free.

The networks and medium i used before didn’t work this time. I tried the online world as the easiest medium to mingle and set up dates. Just as usual i was still able to manage to the get-to-know-phase but then decides to back off and not push through. I received several invites for extremely physical and intimate physical activities all of which i declined. Invites came from past lovers, past Fubus and newones. Carnal needs of lust seemed to be less attractive for me or for my parallel universe.

I began to wonder, is MAF the one i’ve searched for all my life that, the aftermaths of our break up seemed unending and locked me up in this parallel universe. The only good thing about my parallel universe, my friends are still able to get in and out of it. They made efforts to put me back on the life i had before, but i resisted.

Do i really wander around my new parallel universe or it’s a totally new and unknown world for me making me believe i am in a parallel universe?
Either way, i need some help here.

A text message sent to me yesterday stunned me, it was truistic and it’s one of the moment when reality bites applies…

“If you want to have what you you’ve never had, then you must do what you’ve never done… because if you only do what you’ve always been doing, you will only have what you’ve always been…”

And because of this i started to probe the possibilities of things and events i never tried before… But for now i linger in teh midst of my parallel universe. Would anyone be brave enough to pull me out?

May 24, 2007

Faking doesn’t help

After 19 days of not seeing the person who holds my heart, we had a twenty minutes moment driving around the busy streets of Makati this afternoon.

I tried to cover my feelings and longing for him by being non-sense and quiet while on his car. He uttered the first word, then tears just flowed.

All things said, was Ingat, Thank You, Opo, Alam ko Yun, Opo and again in that order.

The moment his hands laid on me, i tried to resist the feeling of connection, i didn’t held his hand nor touch him in anyway. But all of these things were uncovered right away, my eye blinked and came the tears. My feelings for him are still there, i still care for him, it is still him that i wanted to grow old with. His actions were sincere as well, i felt pain when i saw him cry, i never looked at him at first so as not to let him see the glow and spark in my eye everytime i see him. Memories of our hang outs came passing by but i held on my tears.

I faked our moment, and probably the last moment together. I didn’t allow him to see how i really feel. I didn’t help because some words were left unspoken and actions undone.

All i could cling on now is his promise to talk soon. I know both of us are having a hard time. Mahal ko sya.
See you soon my beloved. it’s only through here that i could still express my feelings for you.

I amy have survived some days letting our memory slip away, but come sleeping and waking time, it’s still about you that i miss, think of and would want to be with.

You taught me a lot, my hopes of learning from each other is still alive, it may dim once in awhile but still. As Mariah and Whitney sang, Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill.

May 21, 2007

Love Always Finds A Way

Filed under: Cheesy, Mushy Me,Desperately seeking answers,F.R.I.E.N.D.S. — khentutz @ 10:05 am

I’ve been to a dear friend’s wedding yesterday celebrated at Paco Park. The venue created a solemn aura and closeness among guests.¬† I wont talk about the details of the wedding but rather be optimistic again on love and relationships. I’ve met the bride during our high school days, we were part of a larger barkada but she’s my constant companion during breaks and chika minutes at the classroom. I’ve seen her fall in and out of love and how she devoted her love and admiration to some few guys back then. When she met her husband on the dating stage, i was able to meet the groom. As close friends I have witnessed how they loved, fought and matured as couples. Love was able to find its way and keep them holding on as they enter a higher form of togetherness and relationship as they got married.

¬†I’ve realized that, love will find its way if and only lovers would let love be. It’s like a destiny woudn’t be fulfilled if no effort towards that destiny has been made. In others point of view, destiny just happens. true and so is love, but is it enough that people live their lives and bum themselves just waiting for their destiny and love?¬†If effort is too much for love and destiny,¬†people should at¬†least be willing enough to cooperate with the road signs to loving and finding one’s destiny. Things happen when we let things to happen. But sometimes, there are circumstances that hinder to the fulfilment of love.

¬†Holding on to what we perceive as the person for us is not wrong. If persons would just settle themselves to dump and be dumped, then no relationship will ever last. It is just like our ideals in life, we should fight for it, though there will come a time when ideals are just ideals, waiting is just waiting. This is the time when we should reconsider our ideals and to keep waiting for the person we love. Troubles and hardships are part of making a relationship build a solid foundation, if we would just see the negativity and just quit everytime we get hurt then we wont find a lasting long term relationship. Afterall, if in the end it’s not meant to be, at least you tried rather than just letting it go easily. Then the ghosts of could-have-been, should-have-been and would-have-been will haunt you forever. The irony above all this, love finds it way to win amidst the problems and obstructions to the love of our lives.

¬†There is also a song entitled just the same as mine and hearing it inspires me not to love again but still hope that someday, as i let love find it way for me, bring to me the person i desired to grow old with and spend the days of my life. But if he’s not the one, i will be glad that i learned from him and be happy for whatever decision he made. I’m clinging onto the cliche that love is sweeter the second time around, if there will be a second chance. Just like me, i know that he fights for his love for his lover right now. If he wont fight for our love, i pray he would fight for the beautiful¬†friendship we had.

 Love, please find your way for me.  

May 19, 2007

Flavors of the Month

Darn, almost all my relationship lasted for a month or so-so. No one dared to keep me as a special someone longer than a month. I began to wonder, am i really good enough for just one month. After the one month freshness, i expire? Is there a best before tag on my back or forehead? If so, kindly tell me where the hell it has been posted.

As far as I know, i’m doing my best to make the relationship worthwhile and last, but all i get is just a one month shot at the lives of persons i trusted and vowed to love. They say i’m still young and would still find the one soon. Same lines, same words, same experience. After a month, im disregarded, written off from their daily systems and lives.

For those who knew me, my friends, why do we have this friendship that lasted years and still counting, when all my romantic relationships gets drained in the sink in just a month.

I learned from my past relationships, i’ve been really cautious not to do those things or problems that occured during my previous ones, yet I’m still a failure, after a month of getting used to have a special someone, i still wake up alone and miserable.

I don’t want to believe that i was cursed, doomed to be loved in just a month. But if someone did curse me and prayed to the cosmic powers, i just hope a month lasts a lifetime.

With such luck in relationships, my self esteem says im a loser and just a constant variable in the short run.

To my partners before, did i bore you? did i do something gravely wrong to hurt you? please, let me know. I can’t live a life that just plays me in a month. I don’t want to be a flavor of the month, a seasonal lover, a seasonal friend, a seasonal companion. If you think there are wrong about me, kindly tell me.

Why do i fail relationships yet good enough in friendships? I treated my special someone the way i treat my friends, i act the way i act with my friends, i’m really confused now.

To end this agony of being an apple of the eye of someone just for a month, i have to stop myself from being in a relationship, in meeting new people, i should learn to seclude this non-sense self and to live a life of hermit. I guess a person like me shouldn’t be around this world. On to my parallel universe.

to those who knew me, i would be bidding goodbye, i shouldn’t be around my friends as well, they may catch the curse i have. So long to these persons whom i loved and dumped me worse than a candy wrapper.

this blog will go on, but nothing about others will ever transpire here again. I’m cursed. Beware.

May 18, 2007

Doubt, Fear, Farewell and Loneliness

Just as we met on a midnight, it ended as well on a midnight. Though the parting was worst, not only beacuse we have to be departed from that moment on but rather the break up happened over the phone.

My gut-feel didn’t fail me to be anxious that this moment is about to come. I just didn’t thought it would be that earlier than expected.

Yes, I am single again. But it doesn’t make sense to me now. I’m still in love and will be forever in love with MAF. He will always be a special person to me and nothing can change it.

I’ve been cognizant that this could happen to us, because his break up with his 3 year realtionship is fresh and he still loves J. MAF made his way to touch my heart and my life and he left a scar too. He made me fall in love with him, i resisted and kept my admiration for him but he made me feel it’s ok to fall in love. Now that i’m in love with MAF with my entirety, he opted to be back to J. I don’t regret that i fell in love with MAf, what i’m sad is the possibility of good and lasting relationship with him. When I’m bad, naughty and flirty, my relationships end, when im dead serious and would take further steps for the person i love, i still get a break up.

My love history evolves into a vicious cycle morphing some little details but it all boils down that they say I’m so serious and they cannot reciprocate the love i give them. What the hell are these people are looking for? someone who wont love them fully yet complain it to their friends?

The one month shot given to me by MAF was the best of all the relationships i had. Yet it didn’t worked out. I’m feeling so down and lonely again. ūüė¶

In as much as i wanted to move on, i have to sulk to my pathetic state now as i seem to lose hope that i will be loved more than a friend, special friend, or whatever.

I had the best days with MAF, is the absence of a major fight in a new relationship makes it boring and be unworthy to be developed and nurtured? Does understanding and pushing one’s patience just to save a day together smilling not good enough?

Is it inherent that people would tend to love a person that is far from reality to be yours than someone who is good enough and is able to attend and give your needs? Why do people settle at instances where they are unsure and would want to be hurt? WHY DOES A LOVEABLE PERSON CANNOT BE LOVED?

In as much as i wanted to fight for our love, the battle wont allow me to. How could i fight if the one im fighting for is the one making ways to block me off?

MAF was the only person met by my close friends. He was the one whom i got the courage to tell my parents that im seeing exclusively and my friends are happy for me. They always comment that WE LOOK GOOD TOGETHER, but at the back of my mind, WE MAY LOOK GOOD TOGETHER, BUT WE”RE NOT MEANT TO BE TOGETEHR. Sad but true.

The pain paralyzed me, i find it hard to move on to put his memories away.

I don’t believe in the cliche that KUNG KAMI, KAMI i think it’s an excuse to probe the possibilities and when all else fails i am the last resort.

I wanted to wait for MAF to come back but i think he woudl be sticking to J more than ever. I dunno what to do bie.

Im stuck again in a parallel universe. I just hope that when you needed a friend, you still be courageous enough to find me. Im not sure you will but i’m looking forward to be a good friend and companion to you. hopefully, love is like a food, what you put in would come out soon. But love is not food, it would linger in it’s space in my heart.

MAF, i pray that you would achieve yor goals and be promoted and be always happy with your decisions, that’s the least thing a far caring person can do.

May 17, 2007

# 1 – Shuttle Guy Part 2

Filed under: Crush Course — khentutz @ 10:17 am

This is a follow up post on my fantasy turned reality crush. Since the day we started to talk as friends, we remained friends.

Nothing special sparked between us but rather a friendship that ended my admiration for him.

Dennis and I rarely talk now, sometimes a smirk and nod is all that we do when we are around the same vicinity at the shuttle terminal.

I guess he is not worthy of being posted here in the crush course, he isn’t my crush anymore.

And besides, I have my bie who makes me smile every now and then. I even forgot that i had a crush on dennis before. My bie, is my crush, my inspiration, my partner, my love.

I started to miss him again. I’ll stop the post now, i thought of my bie again, damn, i miss you MAF more than you ever know…

Missing You Badly

Filed under: Cheesy, Mushy Me,In a Relationship,Pink Life — khentutz @ 10:10 am

It has been awhile since me and MAF had a long conversation and some time together. I’m looking forward and excited for the next opportune time to be with the person whom i think and feel is the person i want to grow old with.

In a relationship, times of missing each other would help somehow in growing your relationship. What should one be careful is that the your partner might learn and live without you in his life. That’s bad when it happens. Missing and having some time and space apart is good but total cut of communication and bonding could put an end to a relationship. Unless of course, you and your partner had an agreement of time and space with a stipulated tie frame. In these cases, the partners must talk and clear the set up.

I’m really missing my bie right now, i wanna see him soon and spend time with him.

How can someone lessen missing someone?
Getting busy is not a good answer, duties and obligations will come to an end but missing someone so bad wont.

In as much as i tried to ignore missing my bie, the more it has developed. i tried feeling and sucking to the missing feeling yet i miss my bie even more. All i know now is that i miss MAF. Bie, miss na kita.

May 16, 2007

Reminiscing But Not Celebrating

Yesterday was the mark of my new found love affair with MAF on its first month.
The days spent with MAF were full of love, enjoyment and fulfilment.
Those were the days i will forever cherish. Thanks for this bie! But just like any other relationship, what we have will be tried and tested against circumstances. May we be both strong bie to face the dilemma we have right now and still hold hands as we getover this phase.
I love you bie. happy monthsary.

May 14, 2007

Count Me In

Filed under: Desperately seeking answers,Rumbles and Grunts — khentutz @ 4:37 am

Today is the National Elections, i woke up very early to join my parents vote at Ramon Magsaysay High School in Espa√Īa Boulevard. I woke up early because after voting i still have to go straight to the office for another normal workload. Anyway, that’s not new to my job, getting in at work at all known holidays and weekends during summer.

On the issue of national electiosn, on our way to the voting precints, our baranggay captain who can rarelt be seen was hovering around with his old tamaraw FX scouting for voters from our barangay. He insisted that we get in the ride and talk with our fellow barangay people.

I just find it weird that our branggay chairman is around just because it’s election day. On the regular daily lives of people in our baranggay this chairman of us, can only be seen in three places, one in front of his house selling merienda to passers by, two, house inuman parties drinking on the sides of the streets with his compadres and three, his name on hollow block walls getting repainted every now and then.

On the voting polls, men outside the schools coercingly hands out sample ballots and flyers of candidates. You could even hear someone shout only a name and the position they are running for. Inside the room are more people whose curiosity on who i voted gets obvious as every stroke of my pen someone passes by either in front or at my back to have a peek on my voting list. Outside the classrooms are familiar faces of olderly drunkards and tambays are waiting outside and would pop out teh question “Binoto mo ba si ganito? o si ganito?” The hell do they care on who i voted. Their lives wouldn’t be messed up if they didn’t knew my vote list.

Whew. Anyway, I just hope all registered voters are able to make their votes counted in. Most Filipinos wanted change and their needs to be addressed but they never did their responsibility to vote. And much worse, later on, they are blaming the government for their misery where in fact they never did a single thing that could help themselves alleviate from their suffering or poor state.

This is my second time to vote during national elections and i still don’t feel the process is good and trustworthy enough.

What matters now is that we as citizens of a democratic country do our responsibilities too to make our country a better place to live in. Our choices for teh elections may not all win, but at least we exercised the right granted to us by the coinstitution and was not used by others for their selfish motives.

More and more celebrities and popular figures are being seen on the ballots. I personally don’t want to vote for celebrities yet they need a chance as well. No more comments on celebrities as it will provoke more issues of conflict and argument.

I voted 22 people for this year’s election and im hoping most of them win.

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