# 1 – Shuttle Guy

After 2 years of successful hidden desire / stalker mode, i finally got the chance to know more about this crush whom i never thought i would have a word ever. No guts no glory indeed, it takes some few courageous moves to possibly give chance for fantasy to be reality. until now I’m dumbfounded by the fact that i got the chance to meet him in a not-so-casual-nor-business-like situation. Whoa. I’m wordless, the few minutes encounter echoes in my mind bringing back the photographic screen shot of what happened earlier this morning.

History:

I am living in UST area where the most economical means of getting to Makati is riding a shuttle. But these shuttles / FX taxis are not easy to find, you have to walk around and find them literally where they pick off passengers or be forever late by taking the longest line for some shuttle terminals at Blumentritt-Laong Laan or Suki Market. The line is not that long, but few shuttles drive back and forth to carry professionals to Makati so you have to wait for them to get back and have your turn. You can not blame them if not for them commuting to makati would be a financial hell taking cabs or detours that will cost more than waiting for a shuttle.

So as i wait in line, i survey the scene to make waiting worthwhile. Some co-passengers were good-looking and all but there are these several shuttle owner and drivers that can even make my day with just a simple smile or look. I can’t say they are just drivers because most of the vans were white-plated. Private vehicles trying to be public vehicles. Hehe. Meaning they own the customized shuttles and this is just a sideline to increase their bread production.

My shuttle guy is not so handsome nor cute but he appeals to me a lot. As in A LOT. For two years, i secretly smile everytime i see him around and my day would be complete if i rode in his black van painted with red flames with plate number ***.*** having his code name *-* in their radio language which i have mastered. He is tall, not much of a hunk, mestizo and oozes with sex appeal. His eyes glitter with a touch of kissable pouting lips. Hmmm. OMG, i’m really attracted to him. haha. There are times i fall back iin the back line just enough for teh headcount for me to be in his van. By that simple seating on his van, my day is complete and im super inspired. A glance from him is enough to make fall onmy knees. But all these admiration and desire were supressed, it will never happen to meet him and know more about him.

My stalking history started by knowing his name by not asking but probing, then taking note of his time of arrival and departure, his code name, plate number and all. What made my stalking serious was more than a mental note about him, it is documented. Yes, i have this dreaded diary / journal where all my mischievous fantasies and encounters are detailed and saved.

In short, for two years, i have engulfed myself of scenarios meeting him, knowing him more, talking with him, and other stuffs. But reality bites that i can never meet him.

When it rains, it pours:

My team will be having its team building this weekend in lipa, batangas in bluerozefarms. All the preparations were done except for the transportation. No one from our team would want to drive to and from batangas neither one would want to bring their vehicles as well. So we decided to rent a van, alas. My dream started to sweep me off my feet. It has been a month since I thought about asking the shuttle guys if we could possibly rent their van for our team building but i didn’t have the courage. So i thought the dream would just be a dream.

On my way to work this morning, I was lucky enough to ride my shuttle guy’s van and seat beside him. This was the first encounter i could really get close to him, brushing elbows while he is driving. I stared at his adorable face on the mirror and he caught me several times looking at him with not just plain looks but with a look of desire and admiration. haha:)

I volunteered myself at the office to have a share of the preparation, I’ll be the one who will find contacts for the transporation. I used the volunteerism principle a driving force to have the chance to meet my two-year crush finally. And what a lucky day, I rode his shuttle this morning and seated beside him. At first i dunno how would i open the topic to him, so i texted my team manager asking her of the maximum budget. So for the mean time, i enjoyed looking at him in a discreet way though i know he noticed he knew what i was doing. When the shuttle arrived at makati post office several passengers went down already with my co-seater. Inside the shuttle we were almost a handful left, I started blurting out, “do you know someone whose van is for rent overnight?” he said he had no idea. Then the talk was spontaneous. I can drop off by Rufino Street and walk but i opted to stay and just drop off in Citibank in Paseo which is a longer cut, but who cares this is my moment with my crush. During the conversation, he offered to give me his contact numbers so we can communicate if whether or not the plan will push through. Whoa. Though i expected it to happen, i was still surprised when we exchanged numbers. Grabe! Wheeew. Then we talked about our lives, the team building, if i am just a student in mapua or somewhere, his daily routes, his earnings and his psat work in a warehouse office something in makati. I can’t handle the flow of information and emotions. this is it. The realization of my fantasises, two years in the making. by the way his name is ******.

We parted ways with a smile, i was stupid enough to forget the handshake, but as i was walking i thought of sending him a text message. Good thing he replies until now.

I may be over acting but getting the means to know your crush and actually have interaction is one of the joys of life money can’t buy.

Our team might not get his van and his services for our team building but having his number and the chance of getting him known and he knowing me is far greater than my wildest dreams with him.

If not for him, crush course would have not been born. The category in my blog talking about crushes and close encounters with them.

Alert! Moving Forward means Step Backward

What happened has happened and should be left at that state. Though it may be of help to others, I took the liberty not to share any of the private stuffs i had in the past. Yes, this would mean that no adult content nor erotic stories will be posted here. I’ll stick to the realizations and doodles that run through my head and can’t wait to be untold. For any concerns you may send me a message for consultations, @ nyt_fever@yahoo.com

I felt that being courageous to publish my super privy encounters would not equate to being mature and grown up individual. No offense to those who shares their experiences, this is my personal stand. I am a fan of people who post their stories, im not as brave as you are and not as innocent as you think. I just realized i’m violating my personal space when i do that. Sorry if someone expected for an erotic post.

Foreword – Moving Forward

Under the categories in my side bar is a link called Pink Life. It would cover adult material and content based on my experiences or some would be borrowed from friends. If you are not comfortable with wild thoughts being written please don’t bother and try to see the entrees posted. If you are straight and you think you can handle it you are free to check up on the posts and react on it. Once again, IF YOU FEEL YOUR MORALS ARE BEING AFFECTED DON’T EVER TRY READING POSTS UNDER PINK LIFE. I think it’s about time to expand my horizons on the blog world. It’s a part of my wholeness as a person anyway. In this category, all would be details, aftermaths and few realizations after doing SEX. Hold on to your horses, I will be posting an entree soon on Pink Life. Thanks.

When Yes or No is Not as Simple as It is

Some questions demand yes or no as the only answer and it becomes hard to answer when the head battles with the heart.

I’ll be on Tagaytay this weekend with my colleague-turned-to-be-close-friends for just a pre-proxy season bonding. Weeks ago my special someone agreed to come and spend the day with me and my friends. But as we spent our monthly anniversary yesterday, he said no. I kept quiet and understood his reason. He has work on friday night and will not have enough sleep to join our drinking – bonding session this weekend. Too bad. i saved the drama within so as not to ruin our celebration.

I was fine with his decision but come this early morning, he said he wont go and would want me not to go either. Boom. Ouch. I subtly explained that this was planned long ago even before we met and I will still go out with my friends. Just because he’s too bored to go and would want me to be around his apartment is not enough to pull out my presence for my friends.

In a clear note, I’m not throwing things i did on his face, i rarely request something from him and it would be fine if he refuses it. But what hurt me most is that he didn’t just turned down my request but would want to spoil me from having fun with friends. I gave him all the time and presence he needs but i too have needs that should be nurtured and there are some times i need to grow with others not just with him. When i refused his request he threatened me with GOODLUCK text message with an angry tone. I can’t get it that he’s the one who turned me down and asked me not to have fun and yet he still the one mad for my way of thinking.

How selfish can a man be?

Though i would stick to my decision to still be with friends this weekend, my heart is doing it’s best to tell my mind to reconsider going out with friends or being with him this weekend. I just hope everything would be fine for our relationship but if not, I dunno yet what can happen next.

Back on the topic of answering YES or NO to a question, it becomes ironic that yes or no queries are easy to answer given the choice of reply but thinking further would translate the simple yes or no is not as simple as it is especially when emotions are in the way of thing.

If you are me, what would you choose?

Carnal Instinct

Last night as I struggled to have my shut-eye, I smoked my light stick as my eyes wandered the streets. Several cabs has passed by, few balot vendors echoed their voices in the dark, and some pssersby came in escalating time differences. One cig is out. I had a drink. Lied down but then was tempted to enjoy the silence of the street. When i looked out on our terrace I’ve noticed a dog probing tires, electric posts and bushes finding a suitable place to leak. The dog was successful, at this moment I didn’t knew the dog’s sexuality. In the first place, why should i care?

I lit another lights, puffed the smoked as i enjoyed the evening breeze. But then another dog came to my view, this dog sniffs the other dog’s body somewhere in between he legs near its tail. Now i’ve learned that the dog who took a pee awhile ago was a female specie and the new comer a male specie. The dogs started to lick each other’s tongue, nose, ears and face then the male dog tries to but his body over the female dog. The other one resists to tease her potential mate. But a dog with smaller built came and scared the other male dog. They chased each other and left the female dog lying and waiting in street. And poof!!! Another male dog came, walking slowly trying to hide his presence from the combating dogs. This third male dog, sat beside teh female dog, smell her body and as if kissed her totality. The lady dog stood up, smelled the male dog’s member then positioned herself for a quick entry. The male dog didn’t hesitated, he immediately plunged his thingy, and there you go, dog-style in the streets. While humping, the two male dogs came back but was shocked with what they saw, ini disgust they both walked out in separate directions.

What i saw last night was carnal instinct in its purest form. oo, tawag ng laman. They can’t help it. Their subconscious mind tells them ” you are horny! You should release it and get laid” She didn’t mind waiting for the victor to return and have her, any dog that pass her way would be enough just to get through her carnal instinct. Men too have these instinct, can you imagine what could happen if these happened to persons like you and me? I’m pretty sure, it’s a lot of trouble. So, think again, when horny, ponder if finding a quickie is worth it, risking good things that may come if only you waited and controlled your libido. After all, hands are given to pleasure.

Men’s carnal instinct is said to be somewhat similar to animals but on a higher degree. Sex is just normal but let’s not act as animals just doing it with anyone that passes by. Wondering about my carnal instincts? haha. i’m not yet brave enough to post it here. BUt i do had good and bad times with this so called carnal instinct. Now i’m sleepy.

- OOO –

I’m currently out of office for a leadership seminar. Sorry Iwasn’t able to update my blog for a while. I’ll be back on track to blog by tomorrow. Feel free to browse and comment.

When THOUGHT doesn’t count

At some instances the clichè “It’s the thought that counts” becomes an instant consolation in cases where we get something that fall short with our expectations. It also an escape goat when the giver faces a tight pocket and would clamor if and ever we react on the present or whatever received.

Is the mere thought enough? Is the THOUGHT sincere enough to count it in?

I believed this saying for 22 years not until I saw the detriments of just a mere thought. On my way home last night after separating with my special someone, I rode in a PUJ where several ladies with bouquets are smiling and seating pretty at their long strecth of a public vehicle. I’ve noticed that some are envied by those ladies who have the BOYFRIEND at their side holdiing hands both staring on the smokey boulevard of España. I suppose that those women without a guy beside them could be;

1. Being courted by a Guy / Butch.
2. Was sent flowers to their respective offices because their lovers can’t make a personal appearance
3. Another girl friend of theirs received tons of flowers and just gave her a few since she didn’t get any (Awww.. this hurts)
4. Bought it for herself. (Ouch, really pathetic)

Getting back on the issue of the value of THOUGHT, i noticed that flowers held by these ladies’ hands are different from each other. It wasn’t the best bouquet a girl could receive but most of the bouquets are pretty normal and an average bouquet for teh contemporary time. Roses were still the big hit, it never fails, but malaysian mums and tulips are stepping up from other flowers. These flowers were designed with craft and mastery coupled by beautifully colored plastics and sinamays to add to its natural beauty. These bouquets isn’t complete without the laced ribbons and card. All of this i noticed from the parade of bouquet inteh jeep. I was stunned when i saw this bouquet iv’e never seen before, i guess her guy would want to have a theme for the heart’s day. The bouquet was a jungle. Imagine a bouquet having white roses at the center, asters and angels breath pillaring the sides, with a stern fern overshadowing the roses. Not to mention the everlasting buds beneath the roses and buds of malaysian mums which resisted to bloom on vday. The plastic wrap was so thin that i cannot hold the whole piece together, i can blame it as well on the ordinary ribbon lace (the not glossy one, pardon me, but these are the ribbons used for wakes and burials).

This is when I realized, THOUGHT is really not enough. Whoever gave it to her must have been thoughtful enough to let the girl of her dreams know that someone cares and loves her. But thought was overshadowed by the shame. Evryone would envy those girls holding beautiful pieces of flowers while this lady has a jungle like plant in her arms. Is it thoughtful to receive such not-so-or-not-really beautiful piece? Should thought be coupled with fashion and style to make it count?

If i were to receive that bouquet and someone wil tell me it’s the thought that counts because it was jungle-like, i swear, i could have thrown it at them. But then again, never will i receive flowers. You know why.

Heart’s Day is Fuzz Day

warning: Lovers and hopeless romantics this is something you wouldn’t want to read about. Search other blogs / sites for chessy, mushy love discussions. But anyway, happy heart’s day to you and your loved one. And be back tomorrow I just despise how February 14 exists in my calendar.

You may ask, am I bitter of love? The answer is NO. Definitely not. What i dread on the day of hearts is the traffic caused by people (I didn’t use men because in reality there are tons of butches around the vicinity scouting for flowers as well) drooling over flowers shops nearby in an attempt to have the best bouquet for their loved one. Living near Danggwa in Sampaloc Manila means trouble getting out and back to our respective homes. The vehicle count in Manila must have been doubled or trippled becuase of the surge of people in the area. The commute / travel time increases significantly that almost everyone gets annoyed of the situation.

Everyone greets happy valentines yet you can feel they don’t mean it. Other single friends starts to beep you all day and insists to have the SINGLES night and seclude themselves from lover places so as to get out on the day of love as other people claim. The pressure rises as every single and lonely person seek a date with someone. And because some are getting lucky to spend this day with a special someone, those who are really OK with their singlehood becomes depressed if not wished to celebrate the day just like normal lovers do.

What I’m pointing out here, is that, Love should be felt all year round not merely focused on a specific day that allows only lovers to enjoy the love celebration. I still don’t get why people tend to expect and be pressured to do things on this day. I welcomed this celebration in the past years being single and celebrated it as well being in a relationship. But what i find weird is that i can’t seem to find to sensible reason why lovers and lover wannabes act so strangely and differently on February 14. What’s the fuzz about this day anyway?

Lovers should be conscious on how they act on this day, because not all are blessed to have lovers. If this day is claimed to be the day of love, why are there persons hating and dreading this day?

I only dread this day because of the traffic caused in my area. It really annoys me.

And for the special person in my life right now, see you dinner.

Out of bread

I really hate it when I inappropirately budget my earnings. If only I could blame it to the Purchasing Power Theory, i would but it is not the theory’s fault. Darn it.

The more i earn, the more i spent. Grrr. It would be just fine to have enough until the next payroll but it kills me when i fall short of cash days before the next pay day. It will be call mommy or daddy for help. Nakakahiya. or worst dial a friend and borrow. hahaha. In these times where products have the hidden telekinetic powers to beg impulsive buyers like me saving money would be synonymous to getting to heaven. Something possible to happen if and only coupled by hard work. I lack the hard work to save.

It sucks to spend a day with such a limited budget, not limited but constrained!!! i really wanted to save due to some recent events that almost got my dignity away. Wait, it’s not that i did something to insult my dignity but some misfortunate events who slapped to my face that i am out of cash.

In as much as I wanted to post that event i can’t. im full of shame. I finally decided to put into writing this one so as to remind me of that experience i wouldn’t want to happen again.

damn, can’t wait for the next payroll, i’m so poor.

Aftermaths in Progress

Like ghosts from the pasts, one by one my ex partners came back to life. It’s not a comeback to give love a second try but rather screaming their hearts out that they got hurt in their current relationships. I find these moments as long due aftermaths of our breaking up and closure. What does happen after a break up? Someone gets pathetic and wishes to win back their love but in the end accept the fact it isn’t worth keeping. While the other one may or may not feel the same but feel free and happy to be single again. I don’t find any reason not to make friends with my exes. The friendship maintained is good until the day that they will do all means just to get my attention and be heard of their heartaches. These moments are the times I view them as ghosts and would want them back off and get a life.

It’s not really pathetic to get someone’s attention if it is a life-and-death scenario, but if pestering someone’s quiet and simple life just to shout their woes and their realizations for not keeping it real with me is what bugs me most. If you are not convinced that I hate this events from happening consider the following scenarios:

1. After a long day’s work, I am finally home, refreshed and enjoying the scenery of a perfect date in my dreams when my mobile phone beeps continuously and was flooded with tons of text messages saying one thing, “I need to talk to you” (I despise unlimited texting for this dreaded invasion of my sleep). After replying to this text message with “Can’t it wait till tomorrow? I’m tired and sleeping kce” I tried hard to fall asleep again, and when I’m about to enjoy my dream cycle, here comes the super kulit call from the ex, so I finally gave in and answered the phone.

2. At the office while I’m so busy finishing my policies and analyses, an annoyingly yahoo message pop up never ends. I replied a few times to let him know that I’m busy and can’t reply for the moment. Okay he felt that I am really busy and just left a long message telling his agony with his lover and how his heart was broke. Not contended with just leaving a message, an email shoots out from all my account, private and not.

3. While enjoying a lie low from busy work with friends, I got a call and a message from my mom telling me i should come home immediately because a guy was crying and begging my mom to call me and send me home because I’m the only person who could help him. (Half True: It was only I who knows he’s not straight Half false: I recommended him to a job and would definitely need me around as backer, when in fact he is just heart broken). This really annoyed me, I can take the pestering unending messages and calls but bugging my relatives especially my mom is way far beyond my tolerance. In my disgust, i called him and asked his problems only to find out that he was cheated by his lover. Oh f*ck.

And the list will go on, but boils down to one common modus operandi, get my attention and tell me they are heart broken, in all means. I find it rude.

What in the world are they thinking that they all happened to remember me just to share they are heart broken? It would be fine if and only they did it in a proper way and time. All of them thinks of the cosmic retaliation, known to us as karma. They will admit that because they did me wrong and got me hurt, now they are suffering and paying for their dues. I wanted them to shut up because the moment we went separate ways i never cursed them to be unhappy with future partners.

I will always cherish the fun and memories spent with those special persons i loved before, once we are done, no more grudge and hurt feelings, just letting go. Hurting is a part of loving and if this is the first time they got hurt it has nothing to do with me.

I think the normal aftermath of a break up is the pathetic state and soul searching for self-esteem and worth not this overdue cosmic retaliation which drives me to nuts because of their chaotic actions just to let me know they are hurt.

I need exorcism to drive away these ghosts haunting me. Do you know how to exorcise?